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He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships
Steven Carter, Julia Sokol

Dell, 1995 - 352 pages

average customer review:based on 70 reviews
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   highly recommended  highly recommended






This opened my eyes to myself AND to the men I've loved....

I bought this book wanting to find out why so many of my intimate relationships with men have failed. I found out what I wanted to know, but even better, I found out that, unconsciously, I had been attracting (and attracted to) men with the same commitment phobia - something I had never considered before. An insightful, illuminating book that is a constructive combination of identifying behaviourial problems and offering self-help steps to solving them. I sincerely recommend it.


This book was LIFE CHANGING!!!!!!!!!

This was a great book! It changed my life! I read it after getting involved with someone who admitted that they were 'commitmentphobic.' For whatever reason, even after knowing this, I still got involved. I felt drawn to this person like never before. Anyway, I was crushed when the 'relationship' suddenly changed and ended. I was left feeling very confused by their behavior, as well as by their reappearances in my life. I couldn't believe after reading this, how acurately it depicted the events that took place between my partner and me. It felt as if the authors were writing my dating biography.
Well, I now realize that my partners weren't all to blame. I kept choosing partners who weren't completely available for a long-term commitment. I longed for love, and yet kept running the other way, wanting "my space", when any relationship I was in got too 'close'-- or when it seemed like the other person wanted more than I was willing to give. Thus, unintentionally, I began to seek out persons who simply couldn't give the time or consistency to a warm, honest, and balanced relationship. You may think, like I used to, that you just haven't found "THE ONE". But trust me, if you have gone from relationship to relationship; if you or your partner suddenly have ended things and gone the other way; you have to come to realize that the issue is much deeper than it may seem. This book forces you to look at yourself in the mirror! Don't read this, if you want to continue pursuing 'fantasy partners!' Only read it if you want to GET REAL with yourself and your dating history!!! Get real..so you can get the real and committed relationship that you desire.
Also recommened: Men who can't love. ( Same authors )


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Outstanding insights into relationships that blow up !!

I bought this book already aware that I hada lifetime of commitment phobia issues....the book brilliantly explained the whys, hows and wherefores as well as the "dance" between two commitment phobic people. More importantly, they offer good advice on small steps you can take to shift your thinking somewhat. If you have had great first dates where the guy never called again.....dated more alcholics than Pamela Lee even though you dn't come from an alcoholic family.....or just constantly pick men who are unavailable on some level....run do not walk to read this book. It's given me a whole new vision. I'm still commitment phobic but now I understand the whole process so much more clearly!! I liked this book even more than "Men WHo Cant Love" by the same authors.


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If only I had known....

Had I read this 2 years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of time, demoralizing heartache, frustration, and yes, money (living up to a committmentphobe's fantasies not only deflates your self-worth, but your bank account as well). Finally someone explained to me why after ending a relationship with a man who set up unreasonable boundaries, evaded talking about the future, withdrew emotionally, and maintained "friendships" with ex-lovers...I STILL COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS JERK! I knew that the fact I had not been able to let go was my problem and not his, and this book explained it very clearly: I'm just as afraid of committment as the obvious "committmentphobe", and it's been the emotional hook that's kept me from detaching. The chapter on Runners and Chasers could have been written about me and my ex, and I was the passive and willing participant in the push/pull dance.

I can congratulate myself for getting out after only a year of this nonsense. Moving on has been hell, but finding this book has been a huge help in taking the first step in resolving my own fears of sharing life with another person.

I hope that Carter and Sokol write some follow-up books to help those of us who truly want committed relationships but are afraid to realize them.


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A must read for relationship wannabe's

Have you ever looked in the mirror and said: "I'm attractive. I'm smart. I'm successful. I have no problem getting dates. Why don't any of my love relationships work out?". If so, this book is a must read!

For the last few years, I've been struggling with wanting a relationship, but never finding one that lasted. I couldn't figure out what's wrong with me! I picked up this book and saw every person I've ever dated in it. More importantly, I saw myself as well.

Until now, I've blamed all of the relationship problems on THEIR fear of commitment. After all, most of the time, I was willing to commit! And the few times I ended relationships, I had "valid" reasons I had to end it. Well, "He's Scared, She's Scared" opened my eyes to MY fear of commitment. I wish the authors had gone into more detail about what to do about those fears. But, I also know that the first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem.

I still have a lot of work to do to get out from under the fear and figure out what I really want. But I do know one thing. This book has changed my perspective and my life!


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reviews: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, page 10, 11, 12, 13, 14



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