Excellent Resource for Surviving and Growing after Infidelity

books:

	• After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful Janis Abrahms Spring, Michael Spring Harper Paperbacks, 1997 - 304 pages average customer review:based on 81 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Saved my sanity and hopefully my marriage

I felt so lost and out of control, I didn't know where to turn - so immediately searched for a book on the subject of infidelity. I was at first hesitant after reading a review claiming the author places blame for the affair on the betrayed spouse -BUT - After reading this book as a betrayed spouse, I believe this is NOT the case.

What she DOES do is address both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally when taking an honest and often hard look at the relationship before the Affair took place - where there was breakdown in the marriage that may have lead up to the affair. She does clearly state that the wayward spouse IS responsible for their actions and the affair - after all, no one can FORCE someone to CHEAT.

But thankfully, this books delves far beyond finger pointing, and looks for a way to bring partners back toward one another, by dealing with issues in the marriage rather than sweeping them under the carpet. It does this in a supportive, non-judgmental way, that both sides can feel comfortable pursuing. And she gives us simple yet important exercises to do, and action plans to follow, to help us get there. It's a book to be devoured in one sitting, and then read and reread countless times as needed through the different stages of grieving and healing. This book is a true marriage saver - at least, it is for us, and I hope it can be for you, too.

Let me put it as simply as I can:
I (Betrayed Wife) couldn't put this book down, I was so thirsty for understanding - and cried tears of relief when I felt validated in both my feelings and reactions surrounding the discovery of the infidelity.

My husband (Wayward Husband) skimmed through the book with great interest, then went straight to the closest bookstore and bought his own copy. We both now are in our second readings, all the while making lots of notes in the margins, and doing the simple exercises that pop up from time to time. It has helped us to each understand what the other spouse is going through and may be thinking, and has helped us find a way to relate to one another productively.

We have come a long way in two short weeks, and although I know we still have a long way to go, I don't think we would have made it this far (and remained best friends, as we are) without the help in this book.

In fact, the end chapters on Forgiveness are so good, we've also purchased 'How Can I Forgive You' by the same author, to delve even deeper into the moving forward stage of healing and forgiving.

I would recommend these books immediately to any woman I love - and to any couple or man I care deeply about, too - if they found themselves facing infidelity.

For anyone out there hurting this much right now, I feel your pain, confusion and shock - and want you to know you aren't alone. Get this book and you'll see what I mean - you won't be sorry you did.

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After The Affair

My son-in-law absolutely loved the book. Hasn't stopped talking about how it helped him deal with various issues.

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highly recommended

No two situations are exactly the same but what this book successfully does is try to help both parties address why it happened and how they can move on together...or apart. I found it very helpful and very thorough. The flood of feelings you go through when an affair occurs is overwhelming and reading this book helps you realize that: 1. you're not alone, 2. that people can and do get past it and 3. that there were probably reasons that it happened that are worth examining if you want to move forward and have a healthier relationship....regardless of whether it's with your partner or not. That is why I would recommend it to anyone who has gone through an affair either as the "hurt" one or as the "unfaithful" one.

I would also like to counter what another reviewer suggested when they remarked that having an affair is the same as physical abuse. I think it's important to understand that while an affair is emotionally hurtful for one's partner, it is generally not done to deliberately hurt one's partner. Intent and outcome are rather important in debunking the correlation. I have also been the victim of physical abuse and personally found such a suggestion out-of-line to say the least.

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Excellent Resource for Surviving and Growing after Infidelity

After the Affair is a comprehensive and insightful manual that has provided extraordinary help in my life and Im sure will help millions. It helped me to get through the crisis and shock after finding out that my partner was having an affair. It explained the "normal" feelings and helped me to gain insight into what i was going through. After an affair there are of course choices you have. You can stay with your partner and make a committment to working on the relationship or you can move on to the new adventure that awaits you. This time in your life can be truly transformative. This book offers practical information on rebuilding trust if you choose that path. Personally I got a lot out of the book but I chose to move on with my life. The answer lies within your heart. You just need to listen closely. Highly recommended reading for anyone dealing with this challenging situation.

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