Traumatic Bonding (or, This is No Love Story)

books:


	• Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Lundy Bancroft Berkley Trade, 2003 - 432 pages average customer review:based on 190 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Excellent

Unique and well written, it holds your interest and provides very thought provoking ideas that make a lot of sense. Starts out kind of vague as it makes reference to later chapters a lot, but the further into it you get, everything comes together so you can see the whole picture. Makes excellent points, well researched and clearly presented. Definitely worth reading for all women, and even teenage girls before dating.

Five stars are too few!

This book is truly incredible. Mr. Bancroft shows no mercy to the abuser and arms us, the abused, with the knowledge to do the same. Bancroft looks at abuse, and the tactics that abusers employ, from every conceivable angle. By the time I had finished this book, I was ready to accept, and embrace, the heart-breaking fact that the man I was with would in all likelihood never change. This book provided me with both the strength and the tools I needed to walk away for good. And whenever I regret that decision, I simply pick up the book and open to almost any page to remind myself of why I did what I did. As Bancroft states at one point in his book, "naming and understanding are power." Once I realized what was going on, I was able to break free of the torment and paralysis caused by this relationship.

I cannot thank Mr. Bancroft enough for sharing his enormous knowledge on the nature of abuse with us. It is so refreshing to see the problem tackled head-on, free of any "new age", "the problem lies within us", mumble-jumble. I am so grateful not to be blamed in some direct or indirect way for what I have suffered. I am free to mourn my loss without the tormenting questions of "What did I do wrong?" "What could I have done better?" and "How could I have prevented this?" Bancroft provides the simple but resounding answers, "Nothing", "Nothing", and "You couldn't".

(Oh, and he is an excellent writer. He knows not to end sentence with a preposition...a skill possessed by so few anymore. I know this will only mean something to someone who is as fanatical about grammar as I am, but I had to share it!)

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Best Book on Abuse that I've read!

As a Co-Chair of a County Domestic Violence Task Force I recommend this book to anyone who is involved in, knows someone involved in or is involved in the advocacy movement for victims of domestic violence. Lundy Bancroft has put together what I call the "Bible" on this subject.

Frog and Scorpion - with a new ending

Lundy, through his book, has taught me to look abusers as scorpions, but with a twist - If you don't know the story, read on, with my idea of a better ending to help us understand the mind of the abuser:

One day a scorpion is hanging around the side of a stream. A frog happens by on his way across the stream. The scorpion cannot swim so he stops the frog and asks if he can climb on his back for a ride across the water.

"Do you think I am crazy?" The frog says. "If I let you on my back, you'll certainly sting me and I'll sink in the water and die."

The scorpion replies, "hey just think about it for a second, I can't swim. If I sting you, then you'll die and I'll sink and die too."

The frog thinks for a second and decides that makes sense, so he proceeds to give the scorpion a ride across the stream.

About half way across the stream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog screams "What are you doing? Why did you sting me? Now I am going to drown and die and you are going to sink and die too."

The scorpion says "because I am a scorpion and it is my nature."

With the new ending, think of your abuser as the scorpion, and you as the frog.

As you sink into the water, gasping your last breath, your abuser turns to you and blames you for not getting him across the river, and that you are dying on purpose, just to ruin his day.

The whole thing is vile.
Thank you for the book Lundy.

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Traumatic Bonding (or, This is No Love Story)

In the United States, two to four million women are physically and emotionally assaulted by their partners. At least one out of three American women will be a victim of abuse by a husband or boyfriend in her lifetime.

Author Lundy Bancroft was former co-director of Emerge, the first program specifically created for abusive men in the United States. He has worked extensively with abusive men for nearly two decades.

Bancroft outlines warning signs of an abusive man; ten abusive personality types; the role of addiction in abuse; what can and cannot be changed in abusive men; and how to get out of an abusive relationship safely.

First among 17 myths Bancroft dispels in his book is that the victim of the abuser plays any part whatsoever in the abusive behavior of her partner.

Bancroft writes: "Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not the product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser." (pg. 19)

Bancroft explains why therapy escalates abuse rather than alleviates it. "You can't manage an abuser except for brief periods. Praising him and boosting his self-opinion may buy you some time, but sooner or later he'll jump back into chewing pieces out of you. When you try to improve an abuser's feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse. An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands." (pg. 43)

With all this confusion in abusive relationships about what is and isn't genuine love, Bancroft offers: "Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person's self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion." (pg.65)

Most abusers cheat on their partners; it is a large part of their sense of entitlement. Charming and flirtatious when he chooses to be, he plays his women, friends and lovers, against each other. He uses women with no regard for the effect of his behavior on them.

Bancroft lists red flags for women entering into or already in abusive relationships; we can all be abusive on occasion, but watch for ongoing patterns that will not change even when confronted about the behavior.

Bancroft advises skepticism in the victim not yet ready to leave, and describes what to watch for: "giving you some extended room to be angry about what he did, rather than telling you that you've been angry too long or trying to stuff your angry feelings back down your throat," nor will he make excuses or try to offer rationalizations for his behavior. (pg. 133)

Bancroft discusses why it is actually more difficult to leave an abusive relationship than a normal relationship that has run its course. "The longer you have been living with his cycles of intermittent abuse and kind, loving treatment, the more attached you are likely to feel to him, through a process known as traumatic bonding." (pg.134)

Recommendations are included for finding help-legal advice, support groups, therapy for the abused partner, hotlines and organizations to assist women in abusive relationships.

The book concludes with a call to action for society--to not look the other way when we see abusive behavior, to offer support to abused partners, to take a second look at the kind of behavior we encourage with the current trend to objectify women. Awareness and sensitivity to this epidemic of domestic violence (and make no mistake, emotional abuse, too, should be considered violence) can go a long way to eliminating it.

~abridged from Spring '08, The Smoking Poet

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reviews: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, page 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

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