Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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	• Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Lundy Bancroft Berkley Trade, 2003 - 432 pages average customer review:based on 190 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

This Book Explained SO MUCH about abusive relationships

There were two messages that impacted me the most. First, that many things abusive men do to their partners are practically invisible due to the pervasive chauvinism and misogyny that is considered acceptable in our society. Second, the abusive and controling male needs to present himself as a puzzle that needs to be solved: it's a trick that keeps their partner occupied with guessing about what he'll do next instead of just leaving.

It was the hiding of their true agenda that kept me in a relationship with a couple of abusive males much longer than I should have stayed. I thought I could uncover what "really made them tick" by sticking it out with them. Then I figured that once I resolved the mystery of his disturbing, hostile and angry behavior we could live happily ever after.

This is the first book that helped me through my fantasy of believing I could "rescue" this kind of person from himself. I'd give it the highest rating for that alone. But there is so much more helpful information here that confirmed what I'd feared about them that I'd say this is a must-read for any woman confused about why she's not happy with her partner but feeling it's all her fault. Great as a gift!

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The best resource on domestic abuse available

If you are a victim of domestic abuse, you may find yourself wondering if you are losing your mind. "He is such a nice guy; he can't POSSIBLY be abusive!" Yes, he can. If you feel horrible about yourself; if you feel like you can't ever do anything right; if you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for him; if you feel like there is always something wrong but can't figure out what... You are in an abusive relationship. YOU NEED THIS BOOK.

This book is written from a clinical perspective, but actually explores the thinking and motivation of the abuser. Abuse is a very clear "action A results in reward B" behavior pattern. Why do abusers abuse? Because they can. Because they reap huge rewards: luxury, freedom, pampering, emotional and sexual catering. Abusers believe they are entitled to this special treatment. In many cases, they genuinely believe their partners have abused THEM by not catering to them. They justify their abusive behavior and call it self-defense, saying "I would not have slapped her or coerced her into sex if she hadn't flirted with that guy." When in reality... She didn't even notice the guy. She was probably a lot more worried about how her husband/boyfriend going ballistic over the cut of her blouse or the length of her skirt. If he is insanely, irrationally jealous, he WILL become abusive. He probably is already, you just have not noticed... Jealous men are controlling men.

It's difficult to find a good book on domestic abuse, because a lot of resources focus on "co-dependancy" and the myth that a woman perpetuates abuse by sticking with her man. This is a lie. Reality: it is almost impossible to get away from an abusive man. Any woman in any abusive relationship has legitimate reason to fear for her life. Is it any wonder that a woman is afraid to stay but more afraid to leave?

This book does an excellent job of putting to bed the issue of couples' counseling for abusive relationships. DO NOT GO. I wish I had read this book before I made the mistake of committing to marital therapy with my abusive husband. Marital therapy is a wonderful institution, but focuses on the concept of both parties accepting blame for their actions and working together toward common goals and common resolution of problems. It sounds very positive and very noble, but abusers are not capable of admitting they have faults. So marital therapy ends up being a tool the abuser uses to get his wife to compromise. For example, one marital therapy case cited in the book had the abuser agreeing to cease his verbally abusive ways (which were causing his wife anxiety) if she would cease spending so much time with her friends. His justification for that request is that she spent so much time out of the house that it was "damaging" to the marriage. The therapist agreed it was a good compromise; the wife lost a valuable part of her support system, and the husband's only "compromise" was that he agreed to stop being abusive for a time.

I also like how this book points out that marital therapy enhances an abuser's belief that he is right - marital therapy by nature requires both parties to take ownership of issues caused in the relationship. In abusive relationships, quite frequently the ONLY issue is the abuse. By forcing the woman to take a portion of the blame, the abuser gets the therapist to reinforce his belief that his wife is responsible for the problems in their relationship. It's backwards thinking as the well-meaning therapist is trying to make BOTH partners take responsibility for their actions, but the end result of therapy can be far more destructive than positive. At best, it gives the woman false hope and paralyzes her because she hopes that her partner will change his negative behavior.

The book shows a woman what warning signs to look for in her current or prospective partner. The author did an excellent job of linking partner abuse to child abuse; this book is a valuable resource to current or former victims of child abuse as well. The only thing I found lacking was a recommendation on confronting a current partner on his abusive behavior...

This book is frightening but realistic in its portrayal of abusers. There is very little hope for redemption of an abuser, because he loses too much and gains too little from changing his ways. The author provides resources on abuser programs, and the book contains a chapter on how to tell if an abuser is really changing his ways.... With a very realistic warning that abuser programs simply do not have good success rates. If you are a woman who loves an abusive man, understand that he is simply not the man you thought he was. Run, do not walk away from your abusive partner.

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Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

This is a wonderful, fabulous, excellent book that I would highly recommend to anyone that is dealing with an abuser in anyway. This book greatly helped me and I now keep extra copies of it at home to give away to anyone that mentions they are in any type of controlling relationship. I learned so much from this book about abusers and knowledge is a big step in healing. Read this book if you are in an abusive relationship (but be sure it is safe to do so), give this book to anyone you know who is suffering at the hand of an abuser or anyone in the legal system/counseling that works with abusers/victims.

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great information

If this information sounds even a little familiar, run as far & as fast as you can. It has nothing to do with you & he will never change. There is nothing you can do that will ever be "good enough". I wasted 24 years trying. There are great suggestions in this book to help you plan. Save your energy for you. The best information of the many, many books I have read on this topic.

For everyone, not just feminists

It is a pleasant read and well organized. The author poises questions, highlights myths (erroneous explanations) and summarizes concise explanations. You don't have to be a feminist to learn a lot from this book. The author generally uses "he" for the abuser and "she" for the victim, which I think is unfortunate, but otherwise much of what she writes about could be applied to other forms of domestic violence such as sibling rivalry, homosexual relationships, and elder abuse as well, not just "wife-beating."

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reviews: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, page 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18

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