Read to the end before writing a review.

books:


	• Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries (Revised and ... Robert J. Mackenzie Three Rivers Press, 1998 - 384 pages average customer review:based on 25 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Gave me hope!

This is a wonderful, hopeful book! If you feel you don't have control of your children, this book shows you how to gain respect and control while showing your children the dignity they deserve. This book has changed our family and our parenting. We aren't perfect, but we're a lot more happy. The advice is VERY practical and down to earth. It isn't all about theory...we all know we want kind, respectful, thoughtful, etc., children... but about tells you HOW to achieve that in your family. I recommend this book for ALL parents! Can't say enough about it and I've read a lot of parenting books!

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Read to the end before writing a review.

I don't understand why anyone would write a review before finishing the book. Especially when the introduction states "you'll probably be tempted to try out the methods as you go, but I encourage you to read the entire book before using them with your children..." The book is a terrific tool in understanding how we parents unknowingly contribute to the "dance" of misbehavior, and you will laugh a lot at seeing many of your own family conversations printed right there in black and white. I saw immediate progress with my two boys (once I followed the instructions and read the whole book), and we are still in week one. Highly recommended.

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Real helpful

This is the first item I've ever written a review for but I found this book so helpful that I feel compelled mention how great it is. Being a new parent was entirely uncharted territory for me and this book made me feel like at least I have a shot at doing a decent job. My 4 year old is fiesty in a lot of ways but this book has enough realistic examples that I feel like I have the tools to deal with virtually any situation that arises. Can't recommend it enough.

Lots of useful guidance

I haven't seen other books about child discipline, so my review is based only on how helpful I found this one book. It's possible other books would be better.

The strong virtue of this book is that it has an extremely clear and (it seems) very well-justified method of getting kids to do what you want them to do; and it hammers the message home in many ways. Basically, it teaches a simple method but in great detail. The method can be stated in just a few sentences, actually, I think: if you want a child to behave, inform him in a matter-of-fact voice of what (reasonable) consequences will follow if he does not behave, or else give him a number of acceptable choices (and also specify what the consequence for doing anything else). If he obeys, praise him. If he does not obey, carry out the promised consequence unemotionally.

So far with our toddler, this seems to work very well. Moreover, while it might seem repetitious, the different ways of "coming at" the basic method actually helps to teach it. The fact that the method seems to work, and that it is explained pretty well, is why I give the book four stars.

I don't give it five stars for two reasons. First, while perfectly clear, the prose is pretty pedestrian; but it's not too bad, and given that the author has an Ed.D., it could have been much worse! More annoying, however, in the many examples given of adults speaking to children, the adults are made to say things like, "What's a better choice?" and "I appreciate your consideration," or presenting a number of options and then saying "What would you like to do?" In praise, the parent is made to say, "That was a good choice." How many parents talk this way, or want to talk this way? I'm sure some do, but geez. Maybe it's just me, but this makes the parents sound like condescending bureaucrats rather than, well, parents. Part of what's annoying here is that the children know that they are not in control. (Think back how this would have sounded to you as a child yourself!) So they can sense when a parent is being condescending in pretending that ultimately the child can "choose" to do something the parents don't want him to do. No, he can't, if we're setting limits; that's why they're called limits! An actually more respectful way, it seems to me, is to say--in a matter-of-fact voice and unemotionally, I'm sure MacKenzie has that right--"You can do X or Y. If you do anything else, I'm going to Z (take away the toy, whatever)." Or: "Please X. If you don't, I'm going to Y." And to praise compliance, you don't say, "That was a good choice," you say simply "Thanks, buddy" or "Thanks for doing X, good job." That seems less condescending to me.

This is purely stylistic, though. It's easy to come up with your own ways of talking to your kids, so this isn't a big deal.

The second problem I have is that MacKenzie sometimes adverts to this interesting thesis, that you teach your children how to solve problems by how you set limits or punish them. So, for instance, if you spank a child, you teach the child that violence is the way to solve problems. Or, if you argue with a child, you teach the child that arguing is the way to solve problems. In saying this, MacKenzie is at his least persuasive and helpful. I was looking for some evidence of this interesting psychological claim, but he presented none. The thesis probably has some grain of truth, but it just doesn't sound very plausible to me; I suspect it might have ideological grounds more than solid scientific grounds. In one case, the author tips his hand and undermines his own case when he says that his more "strong-willed" child would not turn down the television. The author threatened to turn it off if he did not, but the child refused, so off went the television. So far, so good--but they went through this "dance" 10 or 12 times (over a period of however many weeks or months) before the child started doing so when asked the first time. If the author's thesis about our disciplinary methods teaching more than we intend is correct, then what did this rigamarole teach his child? Perhaps that you get your way by being annoyingly repetitive.

Don't get me wrong--neither of these problems with the book really reduces its effectiveness very much. It's a very helpful book and I'm glad I bought it.

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reviews: page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Start Setting Effective Limits ? Now!
Do your children misbehave? Do they repeatedly ignore or refuse your requests for proper behavior? Are you constantly fluctuating between permissive and authoritarian parenting, with little or no success? Are you convinced there has to be a better way? There is. Setting Limits will help you establish the positive, respectful, and instructional groundwork your children need for proper ethical and behavioral development
In this revised and expanded edition of his popular book, Robert MacKenzie, Ed.D., demonstrates proven techniques and procedures that not only correct misbehavior but instill the cooperation and conduct you want and expect from your children. This book shows parents how to:
·Enforce clear, firm, and effective boundaries
·Put an end to conflicts and power struggles
·Establish rules that encourage cooperation
·Teach children important problem-solving skills
·Apply logical consequences of misbehavior
Children need limits to guide their development. With MacKenzie's expert guidance, you will learn how to build and enforce the instructive boundaries necessary for a happy and rewarding family life.

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