A Good Book about All Marriage (and a good wedding present)

books:

	• Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America Jonathan Rauch Holt Paperbacks, 2005 - 224 pages average customer review:based on 23 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

A Good Book about All Marriage (and a good wedding present)

A friend of mine (straight) was given this by a marriage counseler, and he passed it along to me with a comment that it could help a lot of troubled marriages. It is as much a dissertaion on marriage as an argument for gay marriage. It certainly points out, in ways that would be hard to refute, the intellectual dishonesty in arguments against marriage equality. He addresses all of the arguments against marriage equality and lays out a rather simple and compelling argument for it. Anyone who cares enough to debate the issue would do well to read this first. Rauch is a good writer and very smart. You can breeze through this unlike a lot of social commentary, due to his simple and clear writing style. For its genre, it's exceptionally well written, and after reading it, I think the final word in the debate.

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Equality, or Mutual Caring?

Rauch is a leading author and contributor to numerous magazines, including the prestigious "National Journal." He is often identified as a "libertarian" and less often as a "conservative." I consider Rauch to be one of the leading writers, gay or straight, in America today.

This book is an appeal primarily to heterosexual conservatives to accept gay marriage, because it will tame gay promiscuity in favor of long-term relationships that benefit not only gays, but society as a whole, giving gays stable and safe environments. I did not find the case compelling.

Why do people marry? The usual reasons are: (1) procreation, (2) mutual care, (3) love, and (4) benefits, although not always in this order. Rauch's argument centers on (2). Yet, obviously, each of these things, except (4), can be done without the benefit of marriage, so except for (4), these are NOT the reasons people marry.

People marry because of (4) and (4) primarily. Only from the ontology of (3) will come (1), (2), and (4) derivatively. This is the only logical reason people marry. I wish Rauch had made this argument, but he focuses instead on (2).

As far as I am concerned, the case for gays marrying is simply a matter of justice, fairness, and equality under the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution. That's the long and short of it. All other considerations are ancillary. All but (4) are available to gays already; so all they want is (4) the benefits that attend to legalized marriage.

Maybe this book will appeal to its target audience (conservative heterosexuals), but I thought it missed its mark.

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Enlightening and thought provoking

Having read two excellent books, A History of the Wife by Marilyn Yalom and Public Vows : A History of Marriage and the Nation by Nancy F. Cott I was interested in why anyone gay/lesbian or heterosexual would want anyone to be 'married'.

Fact is contrary to what anyone suggests, what people want is legal protection so that they can visit each other in the hospital, have inheritance rights like conventionally married folks have, as well as all the rights and privileges that heterosexuals who 'marry' have.

Human and society evolve and its my view that we need to look at 'marriage' as separate from legal protection in the form of legal unions. One need not be 'married' with a piece of paper to have a common law marriage, so why not allow the same benefits to those who are not heterosexual? Heck why not have common law marriage be as accepted as someone who has a piece of paper noting time and date that they joined with someone else to become a 'legal' couple?

What did catch my eye when reading this book is where on page 112 the author notes when dealing with heterosexuals that most who marry want and will have children. Then he write 'But the point here is fundamental. There are at least as many sterile heterosexual couples in America as homosexual ones, and every one of them is allowed to marry. If the possibility of procreation is what gives meaning to a marriage, then a post menopausal woman who applies for a marriage license should be turned away at the courthouse door'. What he doesn't seem to note which I think is important is that in Christian beliefs there is a Biblical belief that if a woman in the Bible could conceive in old age that anything is possible and so the woman would be allowed to marry. Remembering that marriage law is deeply rooted in Judea-Christian beliefs.

Then there is the fact that even in recent years in a southwest state a couple was denied a Catholic wedding because the Priest deemed the disable partner as unable to have sex and thus unable to procreate. Now I know this is splitting hairs, because one need not marry in a church but need only marry at city hall to be 'legally' married.

But its a great book nonetheless because the author challenges the reader to think outside the box which to many anti-gay marriage/union folks don't like doing. I simply would like to challenge the author and others to think even more outside the box, by getting outside the box.

As a widow who was legally married to a great man for thirty seven years, I think of all the times when asked if I was married or he was asked how the word 'married' reeked of ownership, whereas we felt we were a legal partnership in which we both wanted to be for better or for worse. Its the same reason we never had wedding rings since the idea reeked of being branded and neither one of us wanted to have a brand, since we trusted each other not to make a mess of what we had.

And with the advent of no fault divorce and prenuptial agreements I cant see where any sane person can have some romantic idea that Americans marry for love since at least half bail or only marry if there are stipulations. So we are already so close to legal partnerships that I think we need to cut the BS and be honest enough to see marriage for what it really is for (in my opinion) most Americans.

Its an excuse to spend thousands of dollars for a dog and pony show where the attendees bring gifts that an overly materialistic couple don't need, over priced cakes and food, honeymoons that start the marriage off in debt, and a whole business genre that brings in billions of dollars on what is basically a show.

Then the couple who has this marriage license lives in a dream world, has kids they often cannot afford or even want, only to struggle for five, ten years and then split because its finally dawned on them that their views on what marriage was is far different than what it is.

So allow for legal partnerships that prenups and no fault divorce already have in place and lets get real about what is best for people and society. Heck how many people marry because they think that two incomes will get them further than being single? Or how many people marry because they want and expect reliable sex?

Again the book is well worth the read and is a book I think more people should read.

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It's so great!

Five Wishes: How Answering One Simple Question Can Make Your Dreams Come TrueThe Broken HA Secret EdgeAnd the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic

a must read for every thinking American......

Well written with historical facts of society and human dignity. Every one who thinks he/she is a free thinking, authentic human being believing in the constitution of this country needs to read, meaditate and take some social action with the powers that be. We are all one in God...created equal...this write encourages one to be their authentic self when it comes to living in a democracy as a human being with the ability to think. Compassinate and touches the core of the controversy between the so called gays and straights. Let's learn to be human beings and live peacefully with one another.

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reviews: page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

"Thoughtful and convincingly argued . . . Rauch's impressive book is as enthusiastic an encomium to marriage as anyone, gay or straight, could write."
?David J. Garrow, The Washington Post Book World

In May 2004, gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts, but it remains a divisive and contentious issue across America. As liberals and conservatives mobilize around this issue, no one has come forward with a more compelling, comprehensive, and readable case for gay marriage than Jonathan Rauch. In this book, he puts forward a clear and honest manifesto explaining why gay marriage is important?even crucial?to the health of marriage in America today, grounding his argument in commonsense, mainstream values and confronting social conservatives on their own turf. Marriage, he observes, is more than a bond between individuals; it also links them to the community at large. Excluding some people from the prospect of marriage not only is harmful to them but also is corrosive of the institution itself.

Gay marriage, he shows, is a "win-win-win" for strengthening the bonds that tie us together and for remaining true to our national heritage of fairness and humaneness toward all.

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