An excellent approach to a very difficult problem

books:


	• When They Won't Quit: A Call to Action for Families, Friends and Employers of Alcohol and Drug-Addicted People Bruce Cotter Pathway Book Service, 2002 - 159 pages average customer review:based on 7 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

An excellent approach to a very difficult problem

After over 15 years of watching my mother's drinking problem worsen, my family came to the conclusion that there was nothing we could do to help her. We thought, "How can you help someone who doesn't want help or doesn't think there is a problem?" This book very clearly shows you that with the right approach, there is something that you can do to help your loved one get the necessary treatment required to overcome his/her addiction. Bruce Cotter uses a very clear, personal approach that everyone can understand. After reading this book, I felt empowered to help my mother into the treatment program that she desparately needs.

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Alive Magazine

"The primary beneficiaries of this work would be those who are
feeling overwhelmed and do not know where to begin in their
quest to understand and assist those who 'won't quit'.
A recovering alcoholic, Bruce Cotter has written an account
that provides important information on the nature of chemical
dependency in a manner that is easily understood and
potentially empowering for its target audience. It is a useful
resource for those who are supporting a significant other who
has a chemical dependency and for those who are close
affiliates of such individuals."

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When They Won't Quit

This book is excellent! As an adult child of alcohol abuser parents, the description of adult children of alcoholic parents describes me perfectly, and Mr. Cotter gets right to the heart of the disease and the effect it has on anyone who relates to its victims.

My parents abused alcohol for as far back as I can remember. I have an older sister who abuses alcohol and she's has the love and respect of her grown children.

My doctor once told me that I was the scapegoat of the family, and I basically had been "crapped on" all my life. There has never been a time I haven't felt guilty, depressed, anxious or unworthy. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in anybody's life. I am extremely needy for positive reinforcement, yet if I get it, I feel like I don't deserve it.

My father called me names, and made me feel stupid. I believed him and lived up to his negative evaluation of me, and had a terrible time in school. I didn't know until I was 32 and signed up for some college courses that I have a very high IQ. I got A's in both courses I took, but I never got past feeling stupid and inadequate. I vowed I'd never put any future child I had through this kind of hell.

I get anxious when I have or experience any kind of confrontation. Those old nightmarish feelings arise immediately, and I'm back in my childhood hearing the yelling and anticipating the violence which is certain to follow. I used to get so scared when my parents fought, as the fight esculated, I'd experience the 'fight' or 'flight' adrenelin rush and jump out my window and run to my safe neighbors to wait it out. I was never missed either. The visual pictures that come to my mind are as vivid and excruciating as when they were actually happening.

I quake when in the company of authority figures. I can't stand up for myself.

Mr. Cotter offers so many insights into dealing with the problems that substance abuse causes children. This abuse changes the child completely. I related to men who were abusive and violent. In fact I married two of them. I had no parenting skills, because I had no example to follow. I tried so hard to teach my children morality and ethics. However, I never felt worthy enough to impress on them the guidelines and limits on their behavior. I never was able to follow through. To this day, my children will never take responsibility or apologize for any misconduct. They grew to believe that I was nothing but trash from the wrong side of the tracks, and they came to idolize money, not good character. They are condescending and have no respect for me. They have inherited their father's genes; and live the way he does, materialistic, dishonest, and cunning. Two of my children are estranged completely from me, and I have a tenacious relationship with my other two children.

By the way, my children are between the ages of 32 to 40, they are no longer 'kids.'

I've been in counseling for many years, and I've finally begun to believe I wasn't a bad mother. I now can believe I've did everything I could to love, guide and nurture them. They always came first to me.

My youngest son, 32, is an alcoholic, and the reason I bought this book. He has a remarkably patient wife and two precious daughters, age 3 and 9 months. My daughter-in-law finally told him if he didn't get professtional help for his deep seated emotional problems, and stop drinking, he would have to leave. As far as I know now, he has seen a Rehab psychologist, and things are going "ok" now. While he may not be drinking (yet), without the treatment he so desperately needs, he soon will be drinking as much or more as before.

That scares me so much.

The second section of this book talks about intervention, but unfortunately, I can't accomplish a professional intervention because I don't know who cares enough to intercede for him. His siblings seem to think their priorities take precedence over his debilitating illness. His business is badly affected as well as his hygiene.

"When They Don't Quit" makes so many realistic points which are right on target for the families of abusers, I'm going to do everything in my power to stop the nightmare of my son's disease. This book is still teaching me that there really is hope for stopping the cycle of abuse my son's children are suffering when their daddy drinks himself into a stupor.

I'm so grateful that at least the lines of communication between my daughter-in-law and I have opened somewhat. I will give her any support and understanding she needs to help her through this seemingly neverending crisis the entire family is going through. I will continue to reach out to my son, because he is sick and he needs as much support as he is willing to take, even though it is doubtful he will accept anything from me. I honestly don't know why he put me out of his life over 5 years ago, and will not allow me to see his children.

My son has an illness, but he can chose to drink or not. My daughter-in-law has the choice of whether to allow the chaos to continue or not. My grandchildren have no choice at all.

That is one of the tragedies of alcohol abuse. Innocent children are caught in the middle and must remain a captive audience of their parent's decisions.

I'd recommend this informative, interesting, and well written book to anyone who has a substance abuser in their life. The first part of the book would be a wonderful source of information for teenagers dealing with this disease; as a point of reference, or if they find themselves becoming addicted to the disease of alcoholism or substance abuse.

I wish I had this information when I was a teenager.

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excellent book

Bruce Cotter has written an excellent book with very practical advice for a very difficult situation: when a family member has an alcohol problem. The best advice for anyone who knows someone with an alcohol problem is to read this book. This is a great starting point. The anger, resentment, and frustration that you feel are normal but will make the problem worse. Read this book and begin to help yourself to understand alcoholism and begin the healing for you and your loved one. Bruce Cotter will empower you to feel that you can do something before it is too late.

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reviews: page 1, 2

Unlike any other book on the subject, WHEN THEY WON'T QUIT gives the reader an immediate course of action to effectively help the alcoholic or other drug addict in their life. Since no one ever got sober without some form of intervention, the reader is guided, step by step, through the intervention process and on into the stages of treatment and early recovery.

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