books:
•
Reconcilable Differences
Andrew Christensen
,
Neil S. Jacobson
The Guilford Press
, 2002 - 333 pages
average customer review:
based on 5 reviews
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highly recommended
Defusing arguments, accepting differences.
Why couples have the same fights, and how
differences
can be reconciled. This teaches how to defuse arguments, accept differences, and learn acceptance and change on both sides. Chapters give plenty of case history examples on the process of learning new strategies for getting along.
Review of 2 Relevant Books Together
Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart (Judah, Stephen M., Ph.D., IVP Books. Downers Grove, Il. 2006) and,
Reconcilable
Differences
.
Here are two excellent resources for those of us working with marital couples when one party has had an affair. Stephen Judah quotes the research summary of nine studies that suggest affairs occur more frequently than believed. 50% of all married couples may experience infidelity over the course of their marriage. When couples cohabit, the rates are even higher.
Judah looks at the three types of affairs: 1.) Sexual, 2.)Non-penetrating, i.e., no sexual intercourse, and 3.)Affairs of the heart. He notes that even though affairs all differ, they are very much the same when it comes to the impact on the spouse.
He discusses at length what he considers to be the main causes of affairs, how they develop over time, the conditions that lead up to an affair, and then what causes someone to cross the line into an active affair.
But the major part of the book looks at the healing process couples He begins with a discussion on what to tell and how, then how the process of reconciliation takes place, the correction of the issues that led to the affair, and how to go beyond the pain to see not only the positives still in the marriage, and be able to envision a future beyond the pain.
Virginia Holman's books looks at affairs, but goes beyond that subject to deal with other damaging issues that occur in a marriage, what she calls marriages at the crossroads. She talks about our need to grow up on the inside as we grow together as a couple.
A major portion of Holman's book looks at seeking and extending forgiveness, how we rebuild trust, and build a new future together. Reconciliation is a major theme of her book, and she uses case studies to show the practical applications of what she is describing.
Both authors speak from the perspective of private practice, so what they have written is valuable to the marital counselor, but both are also written in a style that will be helpful to the couple being counseled. They both do an excellent job of weaving together biblical insight with current psychological studies. Holman is now the professor of counseling at Asbury Theological Seminary.
Final Note: Telephone and Online Counseling may be a great way to help struggling couples. Learn to Provide Telephone and Online Counseling with this book: The Therapist's Clinical Guide to Online Counseling and Telephone Counseling: The Definitive Training Guide for Clinical Practice
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Looking for hope in your marriage? Buy this book!
This book adds evidence to my belief that psychologists who stick close to science and away from fad theories can contribute tremendously to our world. These two authors have done their homework and have come up with a compelling theory on healing marital discord. Why do I think so? If a theory is true, it should describe a wide variety of data, in this case, marriages. It describes the difficulties in my marriage to a tee, and if it doesn't describe almost all marriages, I'll eat my hat. The method for change is the other great part of the book. To me, it basically says couples spend too much time believing they see the world correctly and set out to correct the wrong part (their spouses). We have enough trouble trying to accept change to fix our own faults, what makes us think we can change our spouses? What makes us think we see our marriage accurately? We should learn to see the world as it really is and work with that. This book is invaluable help to anyone looking for help for their marriage.
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working with couples
The most useful book of its kind for working with couples in conflict,
practical clear and well thought out. I use it chapter by chapter as its so great as an educational tool. Not for those looking for a band aid job,its "the" book to have.
Reconcilable Differences
This book should be on the shelf of all married couples homes. After experimenting with some of the suggestions offered, I noticed a surprising change in behavior for both myself and my hubbie. One may learn to think in new ways about how to handle disputes of many kinds after reading this book (even if only one partner agrees to read it).
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Every couple has arguments, but what happens when recurring battles begin to feel like full-scale war? Do you retreat in hurt and angry silence, hoping that a spouse who "just doesn't get it" will eventually see things your way? Urge your partner to face up to his or her shortcomings? Demand some immediate changes or else?
This practical guide offers new solutions for couples frustrated by continual attempts to make each other change. In their decades of clinical practice and research in the field of couple therapy, Dr. Andrew Christensen and Dr. Neil Jacobson developed a therapeutic approach for couples based on one simple truth: no matter how much two people love each other, their
differences will
eventually cause conflict. But this reality does not have to get in the way of healthy, happy, and long-lasting romance. In fact, learning to accept your differences in an atmosphere of empathy and understanding not only can help you recover from arguments more quickly , and it also can lead to greater intimacy in your relationship.
Filled with thought-provoking exercises and real-life examples, the book is designed to help you understand the conflicts you have with your partner, learn why you may have the same fights again and again, and keep small incompatibilities from causing big problems. The authors dissect typical relationship conflicts, illuminating why one person's well-meaning comment may seem to the other like a criticism or an attack. Gaining insight into your own "hot buttons" for hurt feelings and pain, as well as your partner's, you will learn to acknowledge each other's emotional vulnerabilities and innate personality differences. Most important, the book describes concrete steps you can take to achieve active acceptance of each other's feelings and actions. In the process, each of you may find yourself more open to making the kinds of changes the other was asking for all along.
Based on Drs. Christensen and Jacobson's groundbreaking and tested therapeutic approach,
Reconcilable Differences
shows how acceptance can bring lasting peace to couples' wars. Discover how you and your partner can traverse the difficult path from conflict to closeness, from enmity to intimacy.
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