Wishing everyone (men and women) would read this!

books:


	• In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop Pat Heim, Susan Murphy, ... Tarcher, 2003 - 352 pages average customer review:based on 17 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Interesting reading

This book was pretty good. The first part validated what I pretty much figured out for myself the hard way. At least with the knowledge you get from this book that this type of behavior and attitude is universal among women everywhere and is "normal," you can deal with it more constructively or let it go more easily instead of dwelling on it. I did enjoy reading the first part of the book - probably 3/4 of the book was helpful because it validates what you know or can sense about what is going on around you, and that is empowering and reassuring. The guidance given in this book for dealing with other women is somewhat like remembering difficult algorithms though. And, unless you can convince every other woman you ever deal with to read the book and follow precisely the "rules" you have to follow in order to have perfect harmony among the women in your life, you still have to just use your gut instinct on how to deal with each particular woman or...well, you already know what will happen or you wouldn't be interested in reading this type of book! To be honest, I started reading the last part of the book (which directly relates to being in a supervisory position) and just couldn't read any more.

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Interesting theories, apply as you will

This is a thought-provoking book, and I recommend it for any woman, whether you work in an office or not. It says much about the conflicts that arise between us, the reasons behind them, and some solutions on how to handle them.

One of my favorite chapters was "Handling Conflicts With Style." I recently covered conflict styles in a college freshman seminar course, and I appreciated how they were expanded in this chapter. There are some interesting paragraphs on ow to handle sabotage and deliberate distractions, two things I have experienced firsthand and was poor at resonding to.

There are many wonderful suggestions in the chapter "How To Be An Effective Female Leader." Several aspects of leadership are discussed, and skills are suggested in detail, to balance the troubles many female leaders experience.

There are some parts of the book, however, that I do no agree with.

Although the Power Dead-Even Rule is absolutely true in every respect, it does little to solve the problem that I have with power-hungry, conrolling women in my work environment. Honestly, why should I care what gets a co-worker to turn against me? Of course, having some knowledge of the root of the problem is extremely beneficial at maintaining some sort of balance. At the end of the day, however, I am able to put my head on the pillow and fall asleep based simply on the advice I received from a dear friend:

It's not my business what other people think of me.

This may sound like foolish advice at first, but you know what? It's TRUE.

And the advice to use gossip as a tool is WAY off the mark. I have been able to maintain my position at my job for many years based on a principle that I believe deeply in - that gossip does NOTHING to improve anyone's character. You want to build trust among your coworkers? Don't gossip!! Find something else in common to discuss.

I'm a little irritated at the excuses given for indirect aggression - you know what? A person's personal issues should be worked out before or after work, there's no excuse for a bitch.

Downplaying your achievements is good to keep in mind. But ultimately, you really should be yourself, not a puppet. My point is, when you apply what you gain from this book, don't forget what you have learned before.

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Wishing everyone (men and women) would read this!

I have struggled my entire life in relationships with women. This book opened my eyes.

A mix of good advice and poor excuses

This book did have some useful information about the sociocultural reasons behind women's sabotage of one another in the workplace. Much of this information could also be applied outside the workplace. However, I would have liked to see something about how an atypical woman -- one who hasn't been overly socialized to the feminine role -- can deal with those women who are more typically acculturated. I am thankfully now self-employed, but I had problems with other women in past workplaces that I didn't understand. I often experienced them acting cold toward me or getting mad "for nothing." One thing I found really strange was being accused of "not caring about my job" because I chose to keep a level head instead of take it personally when the content of my work was criticized.

Now, to criticize the content of this book, I thought the authors cut inexcusable behavior way too much slack. Yes, there probably is an unwritten "power-dead-even" rule, but acting like a four-year-old and telling lies about someone to the boss, or having an "I'm not going to be your friend anymore!" type of attitude just because someone gets a promotion, is nothing more than immature. If I were managing employees, destructive gossip and bullying would definitely be grounds for discipline, if not termination. It's these kinds of conflicts that make me happy to be a freelance writer!

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This Book has Changed my Life.

I have to say, I felt pretty disgusted with myself, having to pretend to be insecure and self-depreciating, just to get other women to like me. But by God it works.

I tested the techniques out on my very next female customer. I refused to accept her compliments, kept downplaying myself and my accomplishments, while praising her instead and pointing out all the ways in which I felt she was better.

Result: She LOVED me. We actually linked arms and skipped! No kidding! She convinced her husband to give me $500 on a job that wasn't worth half that much money.

Not only is this book helpful in avoiding petty jealousy, the evil eye, and female sabotage, applied to business situations it can be a real cash cow!!! $$$

Take those psychology books that advise you to "Project Self Confidence!" and "Toot Your Own Horn!" and throw them in the garbage. If you are not a man, that will not work for you.

This one tip alone will save your friendships: Don't you dare ever tell a woman good news. If you have good news tell a man. If you have bad news tell a woman.

If you're just bustin' to tell all the girls how your new boyfriend is rich, famous and hunky, DON'T, unless you a have your own personal security detail and somebody willing to start your car for you.

If they find out anyway, make your good fortune sound negative. Tell them he beats you and he slept with your sister. : P

I can sum the whole book up for you: Women can't stand to see another woman happy, especially if they're not. Better learn how to operate within the "Power Dead Even" Rule.

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reviews: page 1, 2, 3, 4

Two leading experts on gender issues in the workplace describe how indirect aggression among women undermines their professional and personal success, and explain how to change conflict into cooperation.

Following the success of Queen Bees and Wannabes and Odd Girl Out, about aggression in girls, In the Company of Women explains how indirect, or "relational," aggression can hurt women and hinder them from achieving success and harmony in their adult lives. Gender studies have shown that when a goal is in sight, men generally use direct action to attain it. Women, on the other hand, have been socialized to express aggressive actions through indirect means-using behavior such as shunning, stigmatizing, and gossiping to emotionally cripple those standing in the way of the achievement they seek.

With startling insights into the meaning of our everyday behavior, this book offers straightforward techniques to change conflict among women into cooperation by resolving discords peaceably, building relationships, and making the most of women's unique leadership and communication skills.

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